Kelsey-1, Internet-0

So apparently I was totally smashed a little tipsier than I realized after going out Tuesday night, because when I looked in my journal the next day I found the most random, least legible entry ever, half of which I don’t even remember writing. But at least I resisted the urge to blog, a fact that I’m totally negating by presently sharing selected excerpts from my journal entry on my blog. (So I guess that makes the score Kelsey-1, Internet-1…) But I feel like I have to post it because it’s kind of hilarious. Don’t judge me.

Also, I should warn you that I have a pretty bad potty-mouth when I’m drunk. So if you’re easily offended by the f-bomb, you maybe shouldn’t read this.

I have nothing to say, and yet the strange, compelling urge to say it. I suppose a lot of writers have that problem….But the drunker I get, the less awkward I am, which is nice and probably why I’m such a fucking alcoholic. I think if I just lived my life in a continual state of tipsiness, I would be a lot more popular. Just sayin. Also it’s frustrating because it confirms the fact that I am capable of normal social interaction, but apparently that part of my brain only kicks on after a drink or five…

I have my performance review at McDonald’s on Thursday and I’m totally asking to learn grill because
a.) it will help me with order-taking to know what condiments go on all the sandwiches
b.) I get bored doing the same thing all the time and I like the challenge of learning something new
c.) My McDonald’s crush works grill all the time so we would definitely get to hang out more
Shut up; I know I’m super-lame and pathetic. But did you ever know anyone who just seemed, well, “noble” is a lame-ass, super-geeky word, but that’s the only one I can come up with right now that fits. So deal with it. Like, I feel like he might secretly be a superhero. Or a Boy Scout.

And yes, I am idealizing and exaggerating. Thanks for noticing. But in the magical realist, urban fantasy, semiautobiographical novel that I’m writing, he’s totally the love interest. Not that that’s the main plot of the story; the main plot is about how I save the motherfucking world without any help from anyone and also am capable of having healthy, non-dependant relationships with men and women and werewolves and vampires. Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer. Edward/Jacob ftw!

But seriously, I’m not writing a fucking book where the story would be more interesting if the main female protagonist didn’t exist. I’m writing about a chick who’s tough and strong and independent and doesn’t take any shit from anyone, but sometimes even she screws up….The kind of chick who will take your head off if you piss her off and crack a joke while she’s doing it, but maybe wouldn’t kill a spider, or something. I’m still working out the details (and I’m pretty sure the part about the part about the spider sounds suuuper lame), but it’s gonna be fucking epic. Trust me.

Oh, man. This was maybe a bad idea.

But yeah, I did have my performance review yesterday, and got top marks on everything, so I’m getting a 20-cent raise. Which, with thirty-hour work weeks, amounts to about $13 more per paycheck. Yesssss…

:)

I don’t really have anything to say. I’m just really happy. Today was a good day. I went to a cookie-baking party with some work friends and it was a lot less awkward than I thought it would be. And then I went to an office party for my other job, and that was way less awkward than it could have been. In fact it was actually kind of fun, mostly because for once, I was not the kid sitting in the corner not saying anything. I probably participated in the conversation at least as much as everyone else, if not more. I’m pretty proud of myself.

(If you’re socially awkward, you totally get this. If not, I’m sorry, there’s just no way to explain the significance of these small social victories.)

And then I had a meeting with a professor, and that wasn’t awkward either! Yeah, I was on a roll. Also she turned out to be a lot cooler one-on-one than she is during class. And she wants me to present my term paper at the student research conference next semester. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she told everyone that, so I’m not letting it feed my ego too much.

But think I figured out that the key to semi-normal social interaction, at least for me, is the same as the key to semi-normal dancing: just keep moving. If you feel it getting awkward, just keep talking and eventually the conversation will recover. The worst thing you can do is let it lapse into silence, because then you’re totally screwed. And the longer you sit there silently, the harder it gets to re-engage the conversation, and the more awkward it gets.

Would silence still be awkward if you were a mime? THINK ABOUT IT. Also, is there a rule that all mimes have to be French?

Although sometimes if I’m feeling mischievous, I’ll wait for the other person to break the silence just to see if they do it, and what they say. I think my record for that is like 15 minutes. It’s so uncomfortable, but freaking hilarious.

The other solution to social awkwardness is, of course, to just get everyone drunk, but that has the potential to lead to even more awkwardness later, so I probably wouldn’t recommend it as a main coping strategy.

But I totally used the “just keep talking” method tonight at work, and it definitely paid off. And by “paid off” I mean I’m pretty sure my McDonald’s crush doesn’t think I hate him anymore. +50 Kelsey points!

PS- Apparently I was totally wrong about Avatar, because it’s getting surprisingly decent reviews. I’d have to see it for myself to judge for sure, but I’m disappointed because I really wanted it to just totally bomb and I’m not even sure why. Maybe I’m still ticked at James Cameron for killing Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. Oh well. Even I can’t be right all the time, I guess.

Um, yeah

McDonald’s crush: Hey Kelsey, do you have any plans…
Me, in my head: Plans? Plans for what? The weekend? When I get off work tonight? OMG is he asking me out?!
McDonald’s crush: …for this pot of hot water? If not, I’m gonna use it to clean the grill.

Yup.

In other news, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Avatar is going to be a stupid movie. The aliens are dumb looking, and I feel like it’s setting up this whole colonizers vs. natives thing that’s going to be pretty blatant and ruin any enjoyment I would otherwise get from watching epic CGI battle sequences. Like, if I’m going to a movie where a lot of stuff gets blown up, I don’t want there to be a message behind it. I just want to watch a lot of stuff get blown up. You know?

I’m not saying it won’t be a box office smash, because it probably will be. But nothing in the previews has made me want to see it, which is definitely saying something because usually the previews turn out to be way better than the actual movie. (I’m looking at you, Cloverfield)

lol what i don't even

On the other hand, it does have Michelle Rodriguez, and I love her because she is an undeniable badass. But I don’t think even that is enough to make me want to see the movie. In fact, I kind of just want to watch Resident Evil now.

But anyway.

Witty banter

a.k.a., among all of the super-awkward conversations I have had over the course of my life, there are bound to be some hidden comedic gems.

For example.

One of the major components of my particular area of specialty at McDonald’s is doing the dishes. Frequently, when I come into work, whoever has been working before me has clearly not made an effort to do any of them. For example, last Saturday I had to wash a stack of trays as tall as I was (not an exaggeration).

These trays are much more colorful than ours.

It gets old fast, as you might imagine, which was why I asked one of my co-workers to pass on a message to the person whose shift was right before mine, saying that if he left all the dishes for me to do when I came in last night, I was going to murder him in his sleep.

Which set up the following exchange that occurred when he stopped in tonight while I was working…

Him: So did you like how there were no dishes left when you came in last night?
Me: Did you like how you were alive when you woke up this morning?

I swear, I even surprise myself sometimes.

ALSO.

McDonald’s Olympics–a.k.a. my favorite day of the entire month–were tonight. As I suspected, I totally pwned order taking. I got a five-second penalty for forgetting to ring up one thing (but then I remembered like a second after I said I was done), and still beat everyone else. Boo. Ya. I also had a slightly more controversial victory in tray-lining; after a seriously embarrassing time, I asked for a retry just so I wouldn’t feel totally humiliated…and ended up winning. Oops.

Yes, I do take McDonald’s Olympics way more seriously than everyone else. No, I don’t care. I freaking love it, so you can just shut up and stop raining on my parade, okay?

On an unrelated note, today was also my last day of teaching assistantship for the semester, but my first day of experiencing the terror and exhilaration of leading a group discussion while knowing literally nothing about the book being discussed, other than the names of four of the main characters.

But if getting a B.A. in English taught me anything, it was how to bullshit your way through any situation. I’m pretty sure no one suspected that I was totally in the dark, and if they did they didn’t give a shit, since it was the last day of class and all.

Not that I would recommend this as a teaching strategy, or even want to repeat the experience. I just wanted you to know that I’m kind of a baller.

Speculation

Who says I can't get stoned, indeed.

Right before this picture was taken, Justin Timberlake and John Mayer were:

a.) Talking about their upcoming collaboration on Justin Timberlake’s soon-to-be-announced third studio album
b.) Sharing tips about how to be a Twitter comedian
c.) Doing shots

I realize the answer is probably d.) none of the above; just standing around awkwardly at some random event that they were both forced to attend until the photographer was like, “Zomg! John Mayer and Justin Timberlake! Photo op!”

And I don’t even think Justin Timberlake is working on another album. But a girl can dream, right?

♥

Love is ________

a.) finishing each other’s sentences
b.) having the same taste in music
c.) constantly giving each other shit, with the understanding that “I hate you” actually means “Let’s make out”
d.) other

If you answered “c,” we have a winner! And also congratulations on having the mentality of an 11-year-old.

Ugh.

Dear ________,

Sorry again.

For the record, my behavior is not a reflection of how I feel about you. At all.

Love,

Kelsey

Mixed feelings

On the one hand, Torchwood is coming back! For a whole season!

This makes me feel, well:

On the other hand,

Re: Twilight

Not only did I go see “New Moon” with my li’l sister this week, I also read Eclipse. I feel like my brain melted a little bit in the process, but I do have one thing to say about all of this:

TEAM JACOB FTW.

Srsly, Edward has zero distinguishing qualities other than the fact that he’s a vampire and his creepy obsession with Bella. Also, their relationship is quite possibly abusive. When Bella and Edward are together, they are always emo and depressed (and, in the movie version, super-awkward). Edward’s always like, “I love you, but we can’t be together” and Bella’s always like, “Fuck this, take me now!” and then Edward’s like, “No, I’m a gentleman, so we have to get married first.”

And I don’t even really get that, because I don’t think Robert Pattinson is very attractive as Edward. But I realize I’m probably in the minority on that one, so I’ll let it slide and focus on the less superficial reasons why Jacob is a much better supernatural boyfriend than Edward.

First off, he’s such a positive influence. He’s loyal. He makes Bella happy. When she gets depressed after Edward ditches her, Jacob is the only one who can pull her out of it. He doesn’t have to worry (as much) about accidentally killing her while they’re making out. Bella doesn’t have to die in order to be with him.

Not to mention that I didn’t realize it was possible to be both adorable and dead sexy at the same time until I saw Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black in “New Moon.”

BEST MOVIE POSTER EVER

As for the movie itself, I’d have to say it was better than the first one, mainly because there was less screen time for Edward and Bella as a couple, which meant less awkward chemistry.

And there were a couple of funny moments, including Bella, Jacob, and Mike’s trip to the movies to see the hilariously titled “Face Punch”:

“Put your gun down, or I’m gonna blow your freakin’ head off!”
“Put your gun down, or I’m gonna blow your freakin’ head off!”
“Both of you put your guns down, or I’m gonna blow both your freakin’ heads off!”

Quite possibly the best dialogue in the entire movie.

Other than the scene where Bella asks Jacob, essentially, “Have you tried not being a werewolf?” His response: “It’s not a lifestyle choice; I was born this way!”

And suddenly, my Jacob/Edward slashfic moved that much closer to being canon…

But most of the pleasure I got from “New Moon” came from watching Taylor Lautner run around with his shirt off all the time.

The moment at which Bella realizes throwing herself off the cliff, almost drowning, and almost being murdered by Victoria was TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Yeah.

On a related note, I seriously hope that the rumors about him dating Taylor Swift are true. I love them as a couple so freaking much, and I am very fucking emotionally invested in their relationship, which may or may not actually exist. But they are so freaking adorable and seem like the two sweetest people ever and they really need to be an item. Just sayin.

I usually don't post pictures that are obviously taken by paparazzi because I don't want to encourage that kind of behavior, but OMG YES PLZ!

So. Freaking. Adorable.

Now I am going to post some more pictures of Taylor Lautner being underage delicious, but I am putting them behind the cut because they’re totally gratuitous and unnecessary. That’s all.

Such. A. Klutz.

Let me just preface this whole thing by admitting that I volunteered to work tonight, so everything that happened I pretty much brought on myself.

Monday night is usually my night off, since I’m always in class until like 9, but since it’s Thanksgiving Break I swapped with someone in order to make up a few of the hours I’ll be missing by not working Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. So I think I was thrown off by that, or at least that’s the excuse I’m using to avoid admitting that I’m probably one of the clumsiest, most awkward people in the world.

Fortunately I didn’t screw up anything major, it was really just an accumulation of minor incidents that made me feel like a huge spaz. For example:

1. Almost immediately upon starting, I put a basket of fries in the fry oil and forgot to set the timer, prompting one of my co-workers to quip, “I remember my first time dropping fries.” But I totally got him back for that like five minutes later, when he forgot to put a sandwich in the bag and I got to say, “I remember my first time running for someone.” Yeah, it felt good.

2. After brewing a pot of coffee, I took the grounds holder out and, instead of dumping the grounds in the trash where they belong, put them in the sink.

3. I made a shake and was carrying it over to put a lid on it, when I squeezed it to hard and spilled chocolate shake all over the floor.

4. While I was on break I was watching someone play video games in the break room, and when I turned to leave I totally tripped over the controller cord and yanked it out of its slot.

5. And last but definitely not least, I was handing a lady her drinks in a drink carrier, and accidentally tilted it too far so one spilled all over her shirt. Fortunately she was super nice about it, but I still felt horrible.

So it was an eventful night, to say the least. A bunch of new hires came in for orientation, and fortunately I didn’t screw up while they were taking their tour of the restaurant. But I did feel super awkward when they were all staring at me, so I just kind of waved and was like, “Hi guys.” But my whole theory about awkwardness is that if you don’t think you’re awkward, you won’t be.

I feel like I should probably wear a t-shirt like this most of the time.

This only works to a certain extent, because some people (including me) just are awkward and there’s no way around it, but at least it gets me psyched up enough to participate in awkward conversation, which in my opinion is highly preferable to awkward silence.

On a related note, I’m pretty positive that my McDonald’s crush thinks I hate him, because I’ve started doing the thing I always do when I have a crush on someone, which is freeze up and not speak to them at all because I’m afraid I’ll say something totally stupid. And I feel like it’s especially bad because here I am talking and joking and laughing with all my other co-workers and being totally natural because I don’t have crushes on them, but then I totally give him the cold shoulder except that it’s for a reason that’s exactly the opposite of what you’d think.

So sorry, McDonald’s crush. I don’t hate you. I just have a crush on you and am awkward.

The end.